Raising confident kids: Unexpected ways to build self-esteem

Confidence is something our kids build over time. The tricky part? Traditional confidence-building methods don’t always work. Constant praise can make kids dependent on approval, and pushing them into leadership roles before they’re ready can backfire.

So how do you help kids develop real confidence — the kind that makes them resilient, independent, and unafraid of challenges? Try these unexpected, research-backed strategies to help your child believe in themselves.

1. Let them “rescue” you

Kids feel powerful when they can help others — even when it’s just pretend.

Try this:

✔️Ask your child to teach you how to do something, even if you already know how.
✔️Pretend you can’t open a jar and ask for their help.
✔️Let them “save the day” by fixing a small mistake (even if you did it on purpose).

Why it works: Research shows that when kids feel competent, their motivation and confidence grow. Letting them take the lead (even in small ways) reinforces their belief that they’re capable.

2. Encourage more “good” mistakes

Most kids fear making mistakes. Instead of avoiding failure, help them see mistakes as part of the process.

Try this:

✔️Have a “Mistake of the day” moment where everyone shares something they messed up and laughs about it.
✔️Deliberately make small mistakes (like saying the wrong word in a story) and let them correct you.
✔️Play “What went wrong?” by talking about famous failures like how Walt Disney was once fired for “lacking creativity.”

Why it works: Studies show that kids with a “growth mindset” (who see mistakes as learning opportunities) are more resilient and willing to take on challenges.

3. Give them "secret missions"

Instead of generic praise, give kids small challenges that make them feel trusted and capable.

Try this:

✔️“Your mission: Find three ways to make your little sibling laugh today.”
✔️“I need an official map reader for our trip — do you accept?”

Why it works: Studies from the University of Washington found that when kids feel trusted with responsibility, their self-esteem and problem-solving skills improve.

4. Let them argue (Respectfully!)

Instead of shutting down disagreements, let kids respectfully defend their opinions — it builds confidence in their own voice.

Try this:

✔️Let them pick a side in a fun debate (e.g., “Would you rather have a pet dragon or a pet unicorn?”).
✔️If they don’t like a rule, ask them to explain why and suggest an alternative solution.
✔️Play “Convince me” where they have to change your mind on something silly (“Why should bedtime be later?”).

Why it works: kids who practice explaining their thoughts out loud develop stronger confidence in their reasoning skills.

5. Praise the process, not just the outcome

Instead of saying, “You’re so smart!”, focus on effort, strategy, and persistence.

Try this:

✔️Instead of: “Great drawing!” → Say: “I love how you kept adding details!”
✔️Instead of: “You’re so good at soccer!” → Say: “I noticed how hard you practiced that kick!”
✔️Instead of: “You’re a math whiz!” → Say: “I saw how you stuck with that tough problem — nice work!”

Why it works: Praising effort over ability helps kids take on challenges without fear of failure.

6. Teach them to take small risks

Confidence grows when kids push their own limits — even in tiny ways.

Try this:

✔️Let them order their own food at a restaurant.
✔️Encourage them to ask a store employee for help instead of you doing it.
✔️Have them pay at the cashier next time you go shopping.

Why it works: Psychologists call this “mastery experiences” — small moments where kids prove to themselves that they can handle real-world situations, boosting their self-esteem.

Confidence isn’t built in a day — it’s built in small, everyday moments where kids prove to themselves that they are capable, strong, and worthy.

By letting them lead, embracing mistakes, and giving them challenges that help them grow, you can help your child develop true confidence — the kind that lasts a lifetime.

References & Footnotes

• Harvard Center on the Developing Child – How Kids Build Confidence Through Competence
  https://developingchild.harvard.edu
• University of California, Berkeley – The Impact of Competence on Motivation and Self-Esteem
  https://gse.berkeley.edu
• Stanford University – Carol Dweck – Growth Mindset and Resilience in Children
  https://www.mindsetworks.com
• Columbia University – How Process-Based Praise Builds Resilience and Confidence
  https://www.columbia.edu
• Journal of Experimental Child Psychology – The Effects of Verbal Reasoning on Confidence Development
  https://www.sciencedirect.com/journal/journal-of-experimental-child-psychology